HOW I WORK WITH COUPLES
INTIMATE PARTNER THERAPY: FAQs
FORMAT. I will meet clients together then will often suggest having one-on-ones with each. This can be particularly helpful for me to get the full picture, perhaps if either party is "eggshelling" (another lovely word invented by a client) around the other, not telling the full story and wants to find a way to say it, has a concern they want to share, or simply wants to have a good old cathertic vent and it helps me get to know clients as individuals.
INTIMACY. When I work with couples experiencing intimacy issues, in due course I may suggest touch exercises, but first things first, we'll be testing the health of the relationship itself, I find many sex problems stem from relationship problems: spoken, unspoken or unconscious.
No one will ever be asked to do anything they don't want to do, and not until they are ready.
Because sex finds us at our most vulnerable, physically and emotionally, it is essential we ascertain everyone is safe and wants to be there. I may suggest taking sex off the table completely for a period of time. We'll start be revisiting your individual relationship with sex; or to explore each person's personal sexuality; or any individual changes to libido or arousal due to illness, age, domestic disparity, life events. It can be very interesting and enlightening work for everybody.
COMMUNICATION, ARGUMENTS AND PROBLEMATIC BEHAVIOUR. This is where I work with relationship coaching: observing, questioning, dismantling and ultimately reframing and rebuilding how couples speak to each other, or how they bring problems or difficult discussions to the table.
I favour the Gottman approach which is factually rooted in years of research into successful relationships; Imago for changing poor communication which I use to help coach couples using guided dialoguing; Mona Fishbane and Michele Sheinkman's "Vulnerability Cycle" for interrupting high conflict, helping break some patterns and stop the same old arguments repeating. I help couples reduce their defensiveness and really listen to and acknowledge each other's hurt and needs.
Like Terry Real, I am not afraid of calling out problematic behaviours, but at the same time asking where they may be coming from: in childhood, previous relationships or trauma. As he says, "It's the patterns that are the problem, not the people."
AFFAIRS AND BETRAYALS. The process is different for every couple when working with infidelity. It depends on what outcome each person wants and the level of trauma, betrayal, distress, shame, humiliation or mistrust, as well as the willingness to put in the work; but both parties are held carefully. I will likely suggest doing one-on-one sessions which gives each person a chance to explore what's happening for them without the other present, work out how to say things they may still be tiptoeing around, or just have a cathartic and maybe much needed vent as, so often, neither party has had anyone to talk to.
I've actually helped couples become stronger after affairs, and some to reach the decision to split.
MY CONTRIBUTION AND VALUE AS A COUPLES THERAPIST. Being non-monogamous but with complete respect for all relationship types, I like to think I bring a different perspective to working with monogamous couples. I don't over romanticise relationships (like I've seen some couples counsellors do), I see each person as an autonomous individual, and I'll prod our assumptions and expectations around cultural or societal norms and traditional roles.